6 months ago I was being transferred from Surrey Memorial Hospital to Vancouver General. It was confirmed at VGH that I had a blood cancer.
As I think back to the weeks, days leading up to this, it really makes me sad. How life can change so suddenly. One day you are a functioning Mom, friend, wife, Auntie, teacher and the next it's gone.
I sometimes wish I could go back and change certain things. If I would eaten better, used different moisturizers, stayed outa the sun, got more exercise, would things be different? Who knows, right. I can't dwell on the what ifs. I wish I would have never had to tell my kids that I had cancer. I can still hear the cries of my youngest as I told him. It's amazing how many people my being sick has affected. I feel loved and supported but somehow still can feel so alone. No one really understands unless they have been through it. I'm not asking for sympathy either, just sharing my thoughts on my journey so far. I try to lean on God and pray during this time but it still lingers , even 6 months later. My appearance has changed. When I look in the mirror I don't see me. I see someone older. I guess I have matured through all this but I'm looking at my hair and my weight and strength ( or lack of). I'm weak but getting stronger everyday. Here's some stats for you,
I have received:
4- bone marrow biopsies
15+- blood and platelet transfusions
4- rounds of chemo (24 doses)
3- Hickman lines
1- trifusion line
1- blood clot
100+- shots in my belly
What's to come will top all that. I guess I will save those stats for my 1 year mark. It is my prayer that God grants me many more years but the fear is there.
In the last 6 months I have tried my best to be there for my kids and Aaron. I have managed to make sporting events, school plays , grade 7 grad, celebrated birthdays, gone to a concert, gone on a weekend get away with the family, gone out for dinner and spent time with friends, none of it taken for granted. Always thankful for each moment .
I am thankful for the continued care from our church and extended church community in forms of cards, gifts, house cleaning, meals, visits, encouragement. I am thankful for everyone who has stood by us. For the countless hours driving me to and from the hospital, surprises on my door step, hugs when I needed them. Being so dependent on so many people is the hardest thing ever. At times I feel like a burden, often actually. I know it's all in my head and that people want to help but I think naturally it's hard.
Going forward I'm excited, scared, happy to get past this. I'm ready to fight, ready to do what I have to do to be healthy and happy again.